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"How To Get Food At A Nigerian Wedding"






don’t think there anything more painful than watching others eat their share of the wedding jollof rice while the only thing you were able to get is serviette to dry your tears.
I’m usually so mad that once I leave the wedding, I stop by nearest fast food and throw a wedding buffet where I am the only attendee.
I have been a victim far too many times that I have been left with no choice but to research on all the possible ways to avoid this.

See below;

1. Pick the right table
Choose a table closest to where the food is being kept (If it’s a buffet) or where the influential people are seated to minimise the chances of being missed. E.g The mummies of the day canopy.
Some ‘big girls’ are fond of seating far away from the crowd then cry foul when they don’t get food.
Ushers assume five things which affects your chances of getting food.
– You are an uninvited guest.
– You are waiting for someone.
– You are too big to eat.
– You are waiting to clean the arena.
– You were not noticed when food was being served.
– You are the groom’s wicked ex.

2. Don’t let strangers sit with you
Most event decors at wedding receptions usually arrange a table for five or six. Assuming you attend a wedding reception alone or with a friend, there’s a high probability you would sit with four or more strangers at your table, who may be chronic long throats.
If this happens, the small-chops, cake, drinks, wine and whatever was kept on the table before the reception commenced are at risk!
Don NOT LET this happen! Lie the seat is already occupied if you have to.

A couple of a years ago, I attended a wedding reception with my cousins and when we were barely seated, one old lady in matron uniform who was obviously an uninvited guest claimed the last vacant seat.
Before I could say ‘Jollof’, she pulled out a Sacks&Motors bag and began fiddling with it. The wine was the first thing that went missing, followed by two cans of coke and all the disposable cups. When I asked her if she had seen ‘our wine’, she pointed at the juice.
Later she kept hovering around the kitchen area and I saw her quarrelling for souvenirs. Needless to say, when the reception ended, our lucky lady left with a full Sack&Motors bag. The only thing she didn’t go home with was the bride’s bouquet.

3. Sit with the gang you came with
Or people you are familiar with. This is the only way you’d be able to eat comfortably or call the police to arrest anyone that attempts to cheat you of your share of small-chops on the table.
Alternatively, you can try the head-girl method. Let me explain;
If I attend a wedding alone, what I usually do is make friends with kids I feel I can dominate during the church service so I can trick them to sit with me when the reception begins.

4. Sit with a guy
Naturally, guys would try to respect themselves at wedding receptions especially if they are trying to impress a girl.
Is any guy at the wedding hitting on you? Accept the invitation to sit with him and his group of friends.
Congratulations!
You’ve just earned yourself all the 6 packs of small chops on the table.

5 Smile when food is being shared
Ushers are more inclined to serve your table if you maintain a cheerful disposition. At least for the sake of the innocent people seated with you, SMILE! Put yourself in the ushers shoes, won’t you avoid serving the table where those seated wear a perpetual frown?

6 Compliment the ushers
Ladies naturally love compliments. Before the reception commences, tell an usher her teeth look nice, you admire the way she’s diligent at her job, you like the way her conscience radiates or she’s the most beautiful girl at the wedding and I, Naijasinglegirl, solemnly promise you won’t go home hungry in Jesus name.

7 Arrive early
If you arrive late to a wedding reception, you are on your own! First, all seats would be occupied and no one would serve you food while you are standing. Secondly, you stand a high chance of missing the exact time for item 7.
In fact, the only reason you should arrive late is if you are coming from a buffet or if your dietician recommended left-over cold jollof rice with no meat for you.

9 Be calm
If for whatever reasons, the ushers skip you when food was being served, even after you raise your head and kept whistling “Shhhhhhh excuse me. Hello? Excus…excuse meeeeeee,” stay calm.
Remain where you are, bend your head slowly on the table and cry your eyes out if it makes you feel better. Serviet to wipe your tears are always in excess, remember.
The last thing you want to do is switch to rows or columns where food hasn’t been served yet. You would only end up embarrassing yourself since ushers usually serve in a haphazard manner. If you have answers for accusations like, “I thought I saw you there earlier!”, “I gave you food,” “Madam please go back to your seat,” “Which kind long throat you be,” etc
By all means, continue chasing the ushers from row to row.

To summarise, if all else fails, realise poo happens and it is not the last wedding reception in world. I wish you success in your next wedding.


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Posted By cheatmaster On 06:32 Sat, 21 May 2016

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